stormy--'s Diaryland Diary

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The Day I vented a little

I'm supposed to be working right now. This is part of my self-proclaimed designated working hours that I like to keep. But my heart just isn't in it today. Mostly it's because my sister told me last night that she was going to visit me this Friday and Saturday.

During this time that I've taken for myself where I've been focused solely on myself and feeling better, I've also been hibernating from my sister. I didn't go completely off the grid. I mean, I've been still talking to her on the phone everyday and all of that. But, I've been distant, I haven't been chatty, and I know I've probably sounded glum.

It doesn't take much for my sister to get irritated. She will only take me answering "I'm fine" whenever she's asked me what's wrong only so many times. Then she springs into action. This time springing into action includes driving 5 hours to stay for a short stay.

There's really no worries about the virus. My sister has been working from home constantly and only goes into the office once or twice a month, she's a homebody like me and only goes out to do the weekly grocery shopping, and she's single. She hasn't been going out to parties or socializing. She's kind of like me but with just a smidgen more people seeing and out of the house experiencing. {Hopefully that makes sense.}

So, instead of taking my "I'm fine" and "I'm just tired and need more sleep" to heart, my sister is going to be here, in my face, asking her questions and not letting up until she has answers.

I guess I should be grateful that I have someone that cares about me. It's just that my sister is like a dog with a bone. She will harp and harp and never let go until she gets the answers that she wants. Maybe that makes her a good business woman, but it kind of makes a crappy sister/friend.

It would be different if she could take "I just don't want to talk about it right now" at face value, respect it, and move on. But she can't. For her it's "I don't want to wait. I want answers right now." That's how it's been all of our lives. She pushes and pushes until I finally cry out "uncle" and give her what she wants.

But how am I going to explain something to her that I don't have the right words for. It's not like I fell and skinned my knee. It's deep and emotional. It's all the crap that's been inside of me for a long time. And I shouldn't have to explain that to anyone.

So besides doing everything that I have been doing to feel better about myself, I have to do actual work (because, even though I'm my own boss, working gives me a sense of fulfillment that makes me feel better about myself), I have an online meeting with my therapist, I have to dust-sweep-and make the bed in the spare bedroom, I need to make an order for another food delivery, I need to do some yard work that I had been planning on doing on the weekend all in the next two days. That might not seem like a lot to do. I just think it's because I'm not really excited about this weekend that everything seems insurmountable.

I love my sister. I really do. And we really are sisters as well as friends. I just wish that sometimes she would dial down the bossiness and the controlling. For starters, it would have been great if she actually asked, "Do you want me to come up this weekend?" But that's not how she works. That's not how our relationship has ever worked. She pushes and pushes and takes and takes. And I crumble and give in.

I think it's because I've been trying to deal with a lot of crap mentally and emotionally that I've come to realize that how our relationship worked in the past might not be how I need it to work in the future.

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9:42 a.m. - 2020-08-26

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